‎For years, many boys have grown up hearing the same instruction: do not cry.

‎When a boy falls and tears fill his eyes, he is told to toughen up. When life becomes overwhelming, he is reminded to “kujikaaza” and behave like a man. Slowly, expressing pain can begin to feel like a weakness rather than a normal human response.

‎It is this kind of conditioning that mental wellness dialogues in Nakuru are seeking to challenge as conversations around men’s emotional wellbeing become more open.

‎The dialogues, associated with Haven of Dreams, founded by Zipporah Nyangara, are creating spaces where men can talk about the pressures they face, relationships, finances and emotional struggles without necessarily feeling like they have to put up a strong front.

‎Zipporah who also doubles up as a psychologist involved in the discussions said many men learn from childhood that emotional expression is not compatible with masculinity.

‎ “You will find a boy being told, do not cry. As they grow older, the expectation to remain strong can follow them into their families, workplaces and communities, where others may depend on them,” she says, explaining how such messages can follow men into adulthood.

‎She adds that for some men, the pressure becomes particularly difficult when they are unable to provide for their families.

‎Furthermore, unemployment and financial struggles can affect how a man sees himself, especially where his sense of worth is closely tied to his ability to provide.

‎She says such circumstances can affect self-esteem and mental wellbeing, while some men may resort to alcohol, substance use or excessive work as ways of coping with emotional pain.

‎But behind the behavior, she urges people to look for the pain.

‎ “The question we need to ask them is, which pain is this person hiding? The conversations also point to the people closest to men as an important part of their support system.” she says.

‎Nyangara highlights that family relationships, including fathers, brothers and father figures, can influence how men understand emotions and cope with difficult experiences, with some patterns being passed from one generation to another.

‎She says the message from the dialogues is not that men should abandon strength or responsibility, but that they should be allowed to be human while carrying them.

‎ “Healthy masculinity for me is about choice,” Nyangara notes, noting that a man can cry and still provide for his family.

‎And perhaps that is where the conversation begins not with telling men to be stronger, but with giving them permission to say when being strong has become too heavy.

Who says men can’t cry? Nakuru mental wellness dialogues challenge the “tough man” culture

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Muthoni Wanjiku